A VERY broad generalization of course -
Thank you all for coming in. As you know, you are here because I am looking for an online dating service. Please have a seat and I will call you in as soon as I can.
Before we start, let me dismiss Seeking Arrangement and Christian Mingle. Sorry, one of you creeps me out and the other, well, you both creep me out quite honestly.
Also, Craigslist, I am not yet at the place in my life where I feel the need to use you. Should I reach total and utter desperation, I will give you a call.
OKAY, Match, you’re up first. You are the most persistent applicant, by far. I see you everywhere it seems. I see by your resume that 15 million people use you. That is impressive! I will tell you, I used you before, and did not have any luck and in fact, found several of your members to be quite angry, especially the one who called me a bitch for referring to myself as independent. After I fired you, you still emailed me claiming someone chose me. I understand this is something you do to try and entice former users to use you again. It did the opposite for me, so I’m going to have to decline your services. No, I don’t want to just try you for 3 months. No, I don’t want to communicate free for a day. No, I don’t want to see my matches. Stop begging for heaven’s sake! Have some dignity, man. Get out.
Hi, OK Cupid…interesting choice to show up in Spider-Man makeup and you look quite a bit younger than the age I had specified. Oh, the men my age are all in the 25-35 room? Okay, well let’s chat for a bit. Yes, I said hi and you said hi, so let’s move on. Hey is just another way of saying hi, so…I see that you like…well, not much is filled out on your application, what do you like? Ah yes, living life to the fullest. Excellent. Listen, I think we’re just about done here. I will keep you on the back burner because I am nothing if not a total masochist, but more than likely, this is not going to work out. Thanks for being free though.
Next up, eHarmony. What? They left? They decided they didn’t want to work with me? Okay then.
OH wow…Plenty of Fish and YES, there are plenty of you, all pants-less and/or shirtless. Let me see, looks like you filled out your application in crayon and it smells faintly of what seems to be a mix of Hai Karate and beer. Okay, well, thanks so much for coming in. You all truly made me feel like the belle of the ball for a while, or at the very least, the most popular gal at the VD clinic.
Only 7 more years and I can give Our Time a shot.