Sometimes I think it takes a day like Valentine’s day to make you appreciate what really matters. On this day I am especially thankful that I have two wonderful boys, a lot of supportive and loving family and friends, a roof over my head, and, perhaps most of all, I am so very grateful that I am not on that Carnival Cruise ship and have not had to poop in a bag for the last few days. Nothing says Valentine’s day like poop in a bag, am I right?
Pooping in a bag would surely land high on the list of things that would be most aggravating. This list seems to grow practically every year. In an effort to spread the joy on this day of love, please allow me, in no particular order, to share my list of somewhat exaggerated and satirical aggravations and annoyances.
- I let you in front of me in traffic and all I ask for is the hand wave. The quickest way to bring my blood pressure down is that hand wave. WAVE. OF. THE. HAND. DO. IT.
- I am inherently distrustful of people who feel the need to share how happy they are with their significant others or how fabulous their mates are. We get it, there is no need for you to force the rest of us to bask in the glow of your ever-burning flame of love. My cold metal heart cannot help but wonder who they’re trying to convince, all of US, their significant others, or themselves. I can probably speak for the rest of society when I say we don’t give a shit.
- What are clowns trying to hide with that makeup? I do not and will not ever trust a clown. As a kid, Melissa Manchester’s faux uplifting tune about circuses coming to town and painting on a smile and joining the clowns, not only made me cry out loud, it haunted me for life
- Herpetologists, who hurt you to make you want to play with snakes? Snakes are vile creatures that should be totally ignored. The snakes themselves are on the list as well.
- I have no tolerance for Mumford and/or Sons. The only Mumford I can tolerate is amazing and he is on Sesame Street, not these gadabouts who play banjo and look like they haven’t eaten or seen the sun since 1974.
- What makes people who refuse to cross the street in the designated cross walk think they are better than the rest of us? Maybe they’re playing a giant game of Frogger that I am not privy to, or more likely, they just think the world is their oyster and they can strap on their crocs and cross wherever they want.
Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! May your night be free of any of the above if they are on your list too, or at the very least, that you are not having to poop in a bag.