I just wrote a post a few days ago about being a “leaper”, meaning, someone who jumps in wholeheartedly with both feet into love, and how this is all well and good until you find yourself jumping into a swimming pool void of water, then you’re there, alone, with a broken heart, but that in the end, it is worth it and that I will ALWAYS be a leaper.
Sadly, I find the very nature of any kind of broken heart, whether it’s after 20 years, or 6 months (and mine falls in the 6 month category. What can I say, I fell fast and hard) is the equivalent of being on a roller coaster. Not the most original metaphor, but it is accurate. I could try to make it more timely and say that it is like being on a flight simulator, but I think roller coaster does the trick. I am not feeling very much like a leaper right now, unless that leaping is a swan dive out of polite society to live humbly with my children, never speaking of dating again. Just hanging it up. Never mind. I had a good run. Let’s just call it a day.
In one weekend I have gone from feeling pretty okay to terribly sad to literally Googling “Does he miss me?” which let’s face it, is pretty pathetic (according to Google he probably does, so thanks for that Google.) Google also directed me to brush up on The Rules. Remember this book? Back in the 1990′s you couldn’t swing one of Madonna’s pointy bras without hitting some woman who was RAVING about how this book changed her life and helped her nab the man of her dreams. All she had to do was behave like an entitled spoiled princess, and this presumably was the milkshake that brought all the boys to her yard.
I have never been much for rules in general. Blame the fact that I’m an Aquarius, and it is constantly the dawning of me, but besides obeying the very important rules that accompany flying (listen to the damn flight attendants) and obeying crossing signals (BIG RED HAND MEANS DON’T WALK), I consider myself someone who doesn’t take kindly to being told what to do for the most part.
I recently re-read The Rules and by recently, I mean within the last 2 days, not broken heart related exactly, but I found it when unpacking and gave it another go. Hell, maybe I could learn something, since I seem to suck so much at all things romantic. Very soon after starting to re-read it, I remembered what I disliked so much about it when I read it the first time, back when it came out, and now that I am the mother of two boys, it’s even more apparent. This book presents men like they are, for lack of a better term, dumbasses. Women come off no better for we are sorceresses just spinning our webs and waiting to ensnare some poor hapless dumbass to call our very own.
An ongoing theme in the book is that we women really have no say in our own romantic lives. I should wait for the man to contact me, I need to be vague, I need to remain as neutral and non-interested in the man as possible. This book is essentially the EXACT opposite of who I am as a person. I am a wear my heart on my sleeve oh my god you’re so funny please think I’m funny and let’s be in love together for as long as we are then let’s part and have good feelings about each other and not regret anything. While my flavor of milkshake seems to be of the “thanks but no thanks and good luck to you in your future endeavors” variety, I have more respect for men as human beings than to adhere to this particular set of rules.
If you live by these rules and swear by them,then more power to you. Good for you. I admit, there are a lot of things I should work on. I am a work in progress. I will never be someone who just stops growing, though right now I’m stuck in the maddening head space of all of a sudden not feeling smart enough or pretty enough or kind enough or cool enough or sexy enough, because of one person. One person who was nothing but nice, which sadly doesn’t make it any easier. Something I don’t think I need to work on though is how to be more aloof. Screw that. I will stick to my assertion that someday, even sans rules, someone will join me in my heart on my sleeve oh my god you’re so funny please think I’m funny and let’s be in love together for as long as we are then let’s part and have good feelings about each other and not regret anything kind of love.
Of course, tomorrow may be another feeling all together, but that’s okay. I have my own set of rules and they haven’t failed me yet -
1) Be kind
2) Love yourself
3) Embrace whatever feeling you’re feeling and know it is okay
4) No shame or guilt for authentic feelings
As far as rules for “man nabbing”….no idea. None at all. I think the best I can do is abide by my life rules and not forget that even though I am a work in progress, that I am enough right now, dammit. Right this very second.